Nickelback - Savin' Me

Prison gates won’t open up for me
On these hands and knees I’m crawling
Oh, I reach for you

Well I’m terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can’t hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I’m calling
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I’m falling
I'm falling

Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
And say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth savin' me

Heaven’s gates won’t open up for me
With these broken wings I’m falling
And all I see is you

These city walls ain’t got no love for me
I’m on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I’m calling
And all I need from you
Hurry I’m falling
I'm falling

Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
And say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth savin' me
Hurry I’m falling

Yeah, yeah-hey

And all I need is you
Come please I’m calling
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I’m falling
I'm falling
I'm falling

Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
And say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth savin' me
Hurry I’m falling

And say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth savin' me

About kentut and why busuk

Ini bukan lawak. Ini kenyataan! Tapi nak tergelak pecah perut

S: Dari mana datangnya gas kentut?

J: Gas ini datangnya dari beberapa punca:
Udara yang dihirup, udara yang meresap ke perut dari
darah, gas yang terhasil dari reaksi kimia dalam
perut dan gas yang dihasilkan oleh bakteria yang
tinggal dalam perut.

S: Apakah yang membuatkan kentut busuk?

J: Bau kentut yang terdiri dari sejumlah campuran
gas hidrogen sulfida dan mercaptan. Lebih banyak
pengambilan diet yang terdiri daripada sulfur, lebih
banyak sulfida dan mercaptans akan dihasilkan
oleh bakteria dalam perut dan lebih busuk bau
kentut. Contoh: telur rebus. Kekacang akan
menghasilkan kentut kurang busuk tetapi dalam
jumlah yang besar.

S: Kenapa kentut menghasilkan bunyi?

J: Bunyi terhasil disebabkan getaran di pembukaan
dubur. Kekuatan bunyi bergantung kepada
kelajuan pelepasan gas dan keketatan otot di
dubur. Bunyi kentut bukan terjadi disebabkan
penggeleparan (flapping) pepipi punggung. Ini
adalah suatu kesilapan.

S: Kenapa kentut yang busuk selalunya lebih
panas dan senyap daripada kentut biasa?

J: Kebanyakkan kentut ialah dari hirupan udara
yang terdiri dari nitrogen dan karbon dioksida. Oksigen
pula diserap sebelum mencapai pembukaan dubur.
Gas ini tidak berbau walaupun melalui bahagian
yang kotor didalam perjalanannya ke pembukaan
dubur. Ianya keluar dalam bentuk seperti bebola
(bubbles) yang besar dalam suhu tubuh.
Seseorang boleh mencapai bunyi yang baik
(pitching tak lari) dengan cara ini. Suatu lagi ialah
kentut yang dihasilkan oleh tindakan bakteria.
Pembiakan dan proses penghadaman oleh
bakteria menghasilkan haba dan pelbagai jenis
gas tak enak. Bebola gas yang dihasilkan lebih
kecil, panas dan mempunyai kandungan hasil
proses tadi yang busuk yang lebih tinggi. Inilah
yang dinamakan kentut yang nakal, panas, Silent-
But-Deadly, jumlah yang terlalu kecil untuk
menghasilkan bunyi tetapi mempunyai bau yang
hebat.

S: Berapa kali seseorang itu kentut sehari?

J: Secara puratanya, seseorang boleh
menghasilkan setengah liter gas kentut sehari yang dibahagikan
kepada lebih kurang empat belas kentut sehari.
Walaupun agak sukar untuk menyukat isipadu
kentut yang dihasilkan, mengira bilangan kentut
dalam sehari adalah lebih mudah.

S: Berapa lama tempoh yang diambil untuk kentut
kita dihidu oleh orang lain?

J: Kentut tersebar bergantung kepada faktor
atmosfera seperti kelembapan, suhu, kelajuan
angin dan arahnya, berat molekul kentut itu dan
jarak antara pengeluar dan penerima. Jika tidak
dikesan dalam tempoh beberapa saat, ianya akan
hilang ke persekitaran. Namun ianya terkecuali
jika perlepasan dilakukan dalam ruang yang kecil
dan tertutup seperti di dalam lif, kereta atau bilik
yang kecil. Tempat-tempat ini menghalang
penyerapan ke persekitaran dan akan kekal
berbau untuk tempoh yang agak lama sehingga
diserap oleh dinding-dinding. Kenapa ada sela
masa 13-20 saat antara pelepasan dan
pengesanan bau oleh hidung? Sebenarnya kentut
berbau semenjak ianya keluar lagi, tetapi
mengambil masa beberapa ketika untuk dihidu
oleh pengentut itu sendiri. Jika kentut boleh
bergerak dengan kelajuan bunyi, maka kita boleh
bau pada masa yang sama kita kentut.

S: Adakah benar sesetengah orang tak pernah
kentut?

J: Tidak benar selagi mereka hidup. Manusia juga
kentut sejurus selepas mati.

Meteor

Having a picnic is a lot of fun, providing you do not get hit by a meteor



Its a bird, No ! er its a plane... oh fuck its Metoer

Unfaithfull

the heart which mine is devoted
yes, this is loves punishment
she's unfaithfull
is unfaithfull
yes unfaithfull
you're unfaithfull

if glass shatters
it makes a toud noise
but no one hears the sound of a heart breaking
im mad
i become insane
i live for memories for her
i die with longing for her
what state is this my heart is in ?
shes stone-hearted,what could she knows about it
i could explain it to her a 1000 times
and she still wouldnt believe what i said

what a cruel way she has about her
the heart to which mine is devoted
she's unfaithfull
is unfaithfull
yes unfaithfull
you're unfaithfull

may she find no sleep either
may she toss and turn the whole night
let her suffer for someones love too, let God will it so
shes tormented me
Ill torment her too
right now,in this crowd
Ill disgrace her
she sits,head bowed
look at her, in the arms of a stranger
the poison whose way Im under

the heart which mine is devoted
yes, this is loves punishment
she's unfaithfull
is unfaithfull
yes unfaithfull
you're unfaithfull

Taruh telur

Ada seorang pak cik yang bernama Pak DI yang sangat kaya. Setiap hari beliau akan menyimpan RM1000 di bank. Setiap hari tepat pukul 9 pagi Pak DI dah pun bersiap sedia terpacak di kuanter bank untuk menympan RM1000nya. Setelah lebih kurang setahun berlalu, kehadirannya setiap hari disedari oleh Manager Bank. Menager Bank itu pun memanggilnya ke office dan bertanya...

Manager : Setiap hari saya lihat pak cik akan menympan RM1000 di bank. Apa kerja pak cik?
Pak DI : Saya ni sebenarnya tak de kerja encik. Cuma saya suka bertaruh. Setiap hari saya akan bertaruh dan saya tak pernah kalah.
Manager : Ooo... ini sudah cukup bagus. Tapi pak cik mungkin belum bertemu dengan orang yang teror macam saya ni. Kalau pak cik bertaruh dengan saya jangan haraplah nak menang.
Pak DI : Iye ke? Kalau macam tu jom kita bertaruh.
Manager : Okay. Sebutkan apa saja pak cik nak bertaruh dengan saya.
Pak DI : Macam ni... dalam tempoh 7 hari dari sekarang encik akan kehilangan telur encik. Kalau betul encik akan hilang RM1000, kalau tak saya akan bayar encik RM1000.
Manager : Hahaha.. tak logiklah pak cik. Tapi tak pe... saya setuju.

Setelah kedua-duanya setuju mereka pun beredar. Besoknya bila bangun pagi Manager tu pun meraba telurnya.. ooh masih ada. Begitulah seterusnya hinggalah sampai ke hari yang ketujuh dia dapati telurnya masih lagi ada.. Dengan suka hatinya Manager tersebut pun pergilah berjumpa dengan Pak DI.
Manager : Pak cik sorrylah ye.. telur saya masih lagi ada..
Pak DI : Betul ke? Aku tak percaya... Mari sini aku pegang...

Lalu dipegangnya anu Manager tu. Sambil tersenyum Pak DI pun berkata..
Pak DI : Okaylah.. Betul kata kau. Nah ambil RM1000 ni. Pak DI pun menghulurkannya.
Manager : Hari ni baru pak cik tahu siapa yang teror... Sorrylah pak cik hari ni pak cik tak dapat pergi bank lagi keh.. keh.. keh...

Tiba-tiba Pak Di mengeluarkan RM4000 dan pergi ke kaunter bank. Manager tersebut rasa hairan lalu bertanya pada Pak DI..
Manager : mana pak cik dapat duit sebanyak tu?
Pak DI : Pak cik bertaruh dengan kawan pak cik Guard kat luar tu tadi RM5000.
Manager : Bertaruh apa?
Pak DI : Bertaruh yang pak cik dapat pegang telur Manager Bank..
Manager : Tak guna punya orang tua..

p/s : jangan sesuka hati bertaruhkan telur anda..

Wanita Ciptaan Istimewa

1. Kecantikan seorang wanita ialah terletak sejauh mana ia dapat menahan(menjaga) malunya, sementara kegagahan seorang lelaki ialah terletak sejauh mana ia dapat menahan (menjaga) marahnya.
   
   
2. Orang yang membujang adalah orang yang belum menemukan penghibur duka dan dia baru memperolehinya dengan berkahwin.
   
   
3. Suami adalah orang yang mencari kebahagiaan hidup dengan menghilangkan sebahagian kemerdekaannya.
   
   
4. Wanita menghadapi banyak permasalahan; sebahagian diatasi dengan berkahwin dan sebahagian yang lain diatasi setelah dia masuk ke liang kubur.
   
   
5. Mata yang paling indah tetapi juga harus diwaspadai adalah mata kaum wanita.
   
   
6. Jangan menyalahkan perasaan isteri anda kerana perasaannya yang terbaik ialah ketika ia menerima anda sebagai suami.
   
   
7. Perawan tua ialah wanita yang kehilangan kesempatan menyusahkan seorang lelaki.
   
   
8. Yang diinginkan seorang gadis dari dunia ini hanyalah seorang suami,dan apabila ia sudah memperolehinya, ia menginginkan segala-galanya.
   
   
9. Wanita bisa memaafkan suatu pengkhianatan suaminya, tetapi dia tidak bisa melupakannya.
   
   
10. Kecantikan wanita tidak bererti apa-apa dibandingkan dengan kemuliaan akhlak dan perilakunya.
    
    
11. Sebelum kahwin, wanita hafal seluruh jawaban dan sesudah kahwin, ia hafal seluruh pertanyaan.
    
    
12. Barangsiapa mengahwini wanita kerana hartanya, maka dia telah menjual kemerdekaannya.
    
    
13. Wanita adalah bintang dan pelita bagi lelaki. Tanpa pelita, lelaki bermalam dalam kegelapan.
    
    
14. Wanita lebih cepat daripada lelaki dalam menangis dan dalam mengingatkan peristiwa yang menyebabkan dia menangis.
    
    
15. Wanita tertawa bila ia mampu dan menangis apabila ia menginginkan sesuatu..
    
    
16. Pudarlah kebahagiaan seorang wanita jika ia tidak mampu menjadikan suaminya teman yang termulia.
    
    
17. Wanita sangat berlebihan dalam mencintai dan membenci, dan tidak mengenal pertengahannya.
    
    
18. Wanita selalu tergolong manusia halus dan lembut sampai saat dia berkahwin.
    
    
19. Tidak mungkin seorang lelaki hidup bahagia tanpa didampingi oleh isteri yang mulia.
    
    
20. Wanita hidup untuk berbahagia dengan cinta, sementara lelaki mencintai untuk hidup berbahagia.
    
    
21. Kebijaksanaan wanita terletak di dalam hatinya.
    
    
22. Seorang wanita yang bijaksana menambahkan gula pada kalimatnya setiap kali berbicara dengan suaminya, dan mengurangi garam pada ucapan suaminya.
    
    
23. Cincin perkahwinan adalah cincin termahal di dunia, sebab mengharuskan pemberinya mengingatkan harganya setiap bulan tanpa henti.
    
    
24. Sesungguhnya tidak ada wanita yang sangat cantik, yang ada ialah kaum lelaki yang sangat lemah bila berhadapan dengan kecantikan.
    
    
25. Bagi lelaki, yang terakhir kali mati ialah jantungnya dan bagi wanita adalah lidahnya.
    
    
26. Wanita tidak diciptakan untuk dikagumi semua lelaki tetapi sebagai sumber kebahagiaan seorang suami.
    
    
27. Pada waktu bertunang, lelaki banyak berbicara dan perempuan mendengarkan. Pada saat perkahwinan, perempuan berbicara dan pengantin lelaki mendengarkan. Sesudah perkahwinan, suami dan isteri banyak berbicara dan para jiran tetangga mendengarkan.
    
    
28. Setiap wanita mempunyai dua mata. Adapun wanita yang cemburu berlebihan mempunyai tiga mata. Satu di sebelah kanan, satu di sebelah kiri dan yang ketiga diarahkan kepada suami.
    
    
29. Wanita pada umumnya takut akan tiga hal : tikus, munculnya uban dan wanita-wanita cantik yang menjadi saingannya.
    
    
30. Isteri yang bersikap jujur dan setia kepada suami meringankan setengah beban kehidupan suaminya.
    
    
31. Seorang wanita menghadapi kesulitan apabila ia berada di antara lelaki yang dicintainya dan yang mencintainya.
    

Dua org member

Ada doa orang sahabat, mereka ni sangat akrab.Sorang bernama Hanif dan yang sorang tu bernama Tony.Mereka ni penghuni setia rumah tumpangan orang-orang gila.

Pada suatu hari mereka dibenarkan bermain di kolam renang yang terdapat di rumah tumpangan itu.Tapi mereka berdua ni tak pandai berenang.Si Hanif berehat-rehat di bawah khemah manakala Si Tony tak habis-habis lari keliling kolam renang tu.

Tiba-tiba mungkin kerana keghairahan Si Tony ni terus melompat kedalam kolam....apalagi terkapai-kapailah dia meminta tolong. Sahabat yang setia, Si Hanif ni dengan pantas cuba menyelamatkan Si Tony. Fuh,nasib baik tak lemas.Memandangkan Si Tony tu dah basah kuyup dan kesejukan, Si Hanif dengan pantas membalut kawannye tu dengan sehelai tuala lalu cepat-cepat membawanya ke dalam bilik mereka.

Keesokan harinya Si Hanif telah dikerahkan menemui orang atasan.Kira pegawai ler tu.Apabila melihat wajah Si Hanif beliau ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! mula berkata," Saya ada dua berita yang perlu saya beritahu awak.

Yang pertama ialah berita baik, awak akan dibebaskan kerana awak telah dapat membezakan antara kecemasan atau tidak. Tindakan awak menyelamatkan Si Tony bermakna awak kini mempunyai pemikiran yang waras.Namun saya juga ada berita buruk untuk awak, teman baik awak telah membunuh diri.Pagi tadi saya diberitahu yang dia dijumpai didalam biliknya dengan lehernya tergantung.

Dengan muka selamba Si Hanif pun menjawab, Tidak tuan dia bukan membunuh diri tapi saya yang gantung dia supaya dia cepat kering".

Talking About You

Talking about you helps me pass the night
the way to spend my life seems clear
in my madness for you
I'll be destroyed, I'll die without you
God please take care of me!

Day and night all I think of is you
I want only you, I call out only for you
in the circle of my arms
I'm lost, my love, in my madness for you
the stories of my dreams, the passage of my thoughts
fill my mind
I'll be destroyed, I'll die without you
God please take care of me!

i'm i getting mad ?

Twelve Sons, Twelve Constellations

There is a strong Hebrew tradition that each of the twelve tribes of Israel was associated with one of the twelve constellations of the zodiac. The precise identification of which constellation goes with which of Jacob's sons has only been known with certainty for four of the tribes. Each of the twelve carried a banner or flag, and the many of those flags are believed to have displayed one of the zodiac symbols. Thus, those figures came to symbolize the entire tribe to a large degree, much as the eagle represents the United States. This article proposes a correspondence of each of those tribes to one of the zodiac emblems, based on proposed dates for the birth of each. Knowing those dates then leads to greater understanding of the holy days on the Hebrew Calendar, and testifies of the Lord's foreknowledge of all things and of his great plan of salvation.


Jacob alludes to the zodiac as he blesses his twelve sons.

What does the zodiac have to do with the twelve tribes of Israel? Aren't the zodiac signs the basis of astrology, and isn't that a false belief system? Wasn't Israel admonished over and over not to worship the hosts of heaven? Why would Israel put zodiac figures on their flags?

It is not surprising if these are your first questions as you read this article, especially if this is the first you've read on the subject. As has been pointed out in numerous earlier articles,[1] the Book of Enoch records that an angel revealed the constellation figures to the prophet Enoch some 5,000 years ago, and many scholars claim they symbolize the key features of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Last month's article proposed that each of the twelve constellations of the zodiac, through which the sun appears to travel during the year, represents one of the twelve principal roles of the Savior.[2]

Satan twists truth and perverts it for his own purposes, which he has clearly done with the zodiac signs. That causes many to avoid the entire subject, but the symbolism of these figures is so rich that it would be a tragedy not to learn of the beauty of their meaning, and the clarity of their symbolism. So my articles on the subject attempt to ignore the perversions and focus on the good. My position is that the sun, moon, and planets are like the hands on a huge clock, with the twelve zodiac constellations through which they move being the 12 numbers on the clock face. The Lord uses his clock to time key events in world history. But when Israel began to worship the hands on the clock, as did the pagan nations, then they were told they had missed the whole point, and to desist. Similarly today, if someone believes the planets are controlling his life, rather than merely keeping time, then Satan could falsely convince him that he is not responsible for his actions.

Having that disclaimer in mind, let us look at the evidence, even from the Bible itself, that the twelve sons of the prophet Jacob were each identified with a different sign of the zodiac.


Naphtali shows Joseph's blood-stained coat to Jacob.

First, consider the dream of Jacob's son Joseph, of the sun, moon and 11 stars (11 constellations?). He dreamed that they all bowed down to him (Gen. 37:9). When he told the dream to his family, they immediately knew that the 11 stars referred to his 11 brothers. Was that just because of the number eleven, or what it also because they already knew that each was associated with a different zodiac constellation? Evidence for answering this question affirmatively comes from noting that most of their names have close ties to the zodiac constellations, as discussed below.

Secondly, when the tribes received blessings under the hands of their father Jacob and many years later by Moses, many unmistakable references were made to zodiac constellations. Moreover, visions such as those of Ezekiel and John, describe figures with the heads of a man, lion, ox, and eagle, which just happen to match the four "cornerstone" constellations (Ezek. 1:10, Rev. 4:7).[3] It is precisely these four key figures which are the most easily matched with the four principal sons of Israel because each is mentioned in the blessings. Reuben is compared to a man and to water, Judah is compared to a lion, Dan to a serpent (counterpart of the eagle), and Joseph's two sons to the horns of the wild ox. Those link to the constellations of the Water Bearer, the Lion, the Scorpion, and the Bull, respectively (Gen. 49: 4, 9, 17; Deut. 33:17).

Those four sons are each also assigned to four directions (Num. 2:3, 10, 18, 25), and those four constellations are evenly spaced around the circle, as are the four points of a compass. And even non-Israelite prophets, such as Balaam, have used the same figures to represent the tribes (Num. 24:7-9). All of this has been discussed in detail in earlier articles, and is summarized here only as review and to make it clear that the Lord himself uses the symbolism. There is something very profound going on here, and it is certainly seems worth investigating.

Until now, the identification of the constellations associated with the other eight tribes has not been known with any degree of confidence. The other references to the zodiac are sketchy, and different scholars have proposed a variety of associations based on scriptural clues. But historical evidence of exactly what emblems were shown on which flags has been weak, and is based mostly on tradition. Thus, the information about the zodiac associations has been lost. This article proposes a correlation based on the "brute force" method of actually determining the birth dates of the twelve sons, and then looking at which constellation the sun was in at their birth.

Determining Birth Dates

As is known to readers of my earlier papers, I have discovered a variety of sacred calendars, which the Lord seems to be using, including the Venus, Mercury, Enoch, and (Perpetual) Hebrew calendars.[4] My articles have proposed a framework of key religious dates in the history of mankind, from Adam down to the present day. Let us now begin to fill in more dates into that framework, and even be bold enough to propose precise dates for all of the twelve sons of Israel, and for two of their mothers, Leah and Rachel.

Seven Children in Seven Years

How is it possible to propose precise birth dates when the birth year is not given in the Bible for even one of the sons? In my former articles, at least the year was provided. Dates were proposed based on the birth dates being holy days on sacred calendars (especially the Hebrew calendar). How should we proceed if the years are not even provided? The answer is that it is clearly a puzzle to be solved, and the years are not necessary. The big clue is that we can calculate the seven-year period in which eleven of the twelve sons were born, and also the one daughter Dinah. If those dates must also fall on holy days on the Hebrew calendar and simultaneously on holy days of the Mayan Sacred Round,[5] then there are only a few dates available. If it turns out that there are twelve dates in the seven years specified, and it also happens that all twelve occur in different signs of the zodiac, then we have the beginning of evidence that we are correct. If the four principal tribes fit the cornerstone constellations and that the names and blessings of other tribes fit their respective figures, then the evidence becomes more compelling that we have solved the puzzle. So with that hope in mind, let us proceed.

The curious thing about the history of the birth of Leah's six sons and one daughter in a seven-year period is that she had a barren period during that time. She was so distressed that she had stopped bearing children that she gave her handmaid Zilpah to her husband to bear children for her. Now when is the last time you saw something like that on the evening news? How many mothers do you know who had four children in four years who then became distraught when they didn't have a fifth in the next year? Both of Jacob's wives clearly qualify as understanding the importance of the blessings of having a large posterity. So we begin to see that the pieces of this puzzle must be very tight-fitting indeed because seven births can barely be squeezed into those time constraints. So if it turns out that they drop into place perfectly, then it will be amazing indeed. Of every 18,600 families that have exactly twelve children, on the average only one of those families will have each child born in a different month of the year or with the sun in a different constellation. If the precise time of birth is known, then there is only about one chance in forty that any one date is holy on both of those calendars. Accordingly, if blind chance governed the universe, then there would be negligible probability that even one family in history could have such a noble set of birth dates. It has occurred to me that it would be interesting to calculate just how many seven-year periods even contain twelve such dates.


Jacob and Rachel meet (Gen. 29).

Let us review the entire story briefly in order to find the seven-year period. Jacob worked seven years to marry his beloved Rachel, and awoke after the wedding to find he had married her older sister Leah. How could that happen? The Book of Jasher, which is an excellent chronological source,[6] states that they were twins. It was still very important that one was slightly older than the other. Moreover, the bride's face was most likely veiled. In any case, seven days later he married Rachel. Leah gave birth to four children in succession: Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and Judah. Rachel was barren, which was considered a great curse, because it would mean no posterity, no family. When it was clear she was not bearing, she gave her handmaid Bilhah to her husband, and Bilhah bore Dan and then Naphtali. Note that we are not told that Dan is born after Judah, although that is usually assumed. Then it was Leah's turn to have a barren period. Each of her four children were probably born about a year apart. It must have been at least six months after the birth of Judah that she realized that she was not expecting and got nervous because by then Bilhah's second son was probably born. So Leah gave her handmaid Zilpah to Jacob to even up the odds. Zilpah bore Gad and Asher. Again we are only told the order of birth to each mother.

Now the plot thickens. We find that part of the reason for Leah's barren period was that Jacob was not spending his nights with her. When Leah's son found some fertility herbs, Rachel traded her sister Leah a night with Jacob in exchange for them. Sure enough, the trade was a success for Leah, who soon gave birth to Issachar, and later to Zebulon and Dinah. Then, finally, Rachel gave birth to Joseph. His birth was the last because immediately afterward Jacob told Laban that the second set of seven years had past, and that he wanted to take his family back to his own country (Gen. 30:25).

So these four women had twelve children (11 sons and a daughter) in seven years. And Leah alone had seven of them, with a barren period. Allowing a least an extra year for the barren period, wouldn't that have taken Leah eight years to have seven children? When I began calculating the dates, it became clear that the only solution was that Zebulon and Dinah had to be twins. After I discovered that, I found it confirmed in two sources. First it is Hebrew tradition that they were twins.[7] Secondly, it states it implicitly in the Bible itself. For all of the other children, we are told that "Leah conceived" and brought forth a son. When it gets to Dinah it doesn't state that she conceived again, but only that she brought forth Dinah after Zebulon (Gen. 30:21). In other words, it implied that they are twins by leaving out the word "conceived." It is accuracy in minute details such as this which has led me to believe that Genesis is a revelation from God, rather than an attempt by Moses to record oral traditions. So that eases the requirement somewhat, for now we need only six birth dates in seven years, with an extra year between the fourth and fifth dates.

Which Seven Years?

Just when is the seven-year period during which Jacob's first twelve children were born? The scriptures provide us enough detail to zero in on the exact seven-year period. Let us begin by reviewing the chronological framework already established in earlier articles.

Jacob, later renamed Israel, was the father of the twelve sons who became the heads of the twelve tribes of Israel. As was proposed in an earlier article, Jacob was born on Wed 20 Mar 1892 BC pm* ("pm star" means after 6 p.m., when the stars are shining).[8] That is a precise starting point, but we are not told in Genesis how old he was when he had his children. With all of the other prophets and patriarchs discussed in my articles, we have been given their age when their children were born, but in the case of Jacob, we need to do a little detective work to get the answer.


Jacob, age 130, meets Pharaoh.

Long after his children were born, and Joseph was prime minister of Egypt, Jacob took his family there to survive a famine. When he appeared before Pharaoh, he stated that he was 130 years old (Gen. 47:9), which was probably in the summer of 1762 BC. How old was his son Joseph at that time? Joseph had become prime minister of Egypt at age 30 (Gen. 41:46). The seven years of plenty began in the following year, and in the second year of the famine, Jacob's family came to Egypt (Jasher 55:26). Thus, the time that Joseph became prime minister would have been nine years earlier in 1771 BC. [9] He was age 30 at that time, so he would have been born in 1801 BC. Joseph was born at the very end of the seven years during which Jacob's first twelve children were born, so that puts the seven years from 1808 to 1801 BC.

The proposed date for the marriage of Jacob to Leah is Sat 30 Mar 1808 BC, which was the day 14 Spring 14 SPRING on the Enoch calendar. That means it was Passover day (14 Spr) in the year also representing Passover (14 SPR). That day only occurs once in 364 years, so that was a rare day indeed, but it was nothing special on the Hebrew calendar. The next week he married Rachel on Sat 6 Apr 1808 BC, which is the last day of passover on the Enoch calendar (21 Spr) and also the minor holy day 1 Iyar on the Hebrew calendar.

This example shows how the days are equally important, and neither wife is favored over the other because one date is more special on the Enoch calendar and the other on the Hebrew calendar. The same will be true of the twelve sons of Jacob. In other words, the birthright went to Joseph not because his "stars" were better, but because of both his actions and Reuben's actions. The proposed twelve birth dates are all very nearly equally good, which is another factor which defies chance.

If these marriage dates are correct, then the birth of Jacob's first twelve children occurred during a seven-year period that corresponded to the Passover week of seven years on the Enoch calendar. The last born, Joseph, has a proposed birth date in the year 21 SPRING on the Enoch calendar, corresponding to the Last Day of Passover. In the Hebrew reckoning of years, it is similar. The marriage is in the year 10 NISAN, which is the year of Consecration, and the seven years includes the year of PASSOVER. And both the first and last years are SATURDAY, the sabbath year of rest. If so, then it was a very unusual seven-year period during which these children were born from 1808 to 1801 BC.

Twelve Birthdays

Many years have been spent by this author in trying to determine the twelve actual birth dates for the twelve sons of Jacob. There are many problems but the principal one is to discover whether or not there is a pattern of holy days on sacred calendars which they all follow. Either God is using the sacred calendars to determine the birth dates of his prophets and key leaders, or he is not. Either they all follow a pattern or not. If they do, then there is a chance to discover the actual birth dates of these twelve sons of Jacob. If they do not, then the best we could hope for might be to determine the constellation associated with each birth, which would require an accuracy of about a month.

In the former published articles from my research, there have been three general patterns proposed that the birth dates of major prophets have followed. First, all births have occurred on holy days on the Hebrew Calendar, and usually also on holy days on other sacred calendars, with the Sacred Round being the second most important. Second, the length of their lives has usually completed an exact number of cycles on at least one sacred calendar. In the case of the antediluvian patriarchs who lived hundreds of years, sometimes the lives completed two or more such cycles.[10] And third, there has usually been a link from one parent to at least one child. That is, the interval between the birth of one child and the death of one parent is often an exact number of cycles on one calendar. In this case, there is one such link no matter what dates are proposed, because Benjamin was born on the day his mother died. That is exactly zero cycles on all of the sacred calendars, and it is perhaps the strongest parent-child calendrical link possible.

Rather than drag the reader through all my years of research on this subject, and preliminary attempts to discover any pattern that could be proposed for the twelve birth dates, I will simply report the results. It turns out that the requirement to fit eleven birth dates into eleven different constellations (four of which are known) in only seven years, with the twelfth birth many years later into the remaining zodiac figure is so difficult that one can easily rule out many potential patterns.

Here is the pattern that emerged. Exactly as in the case of the patriarchs, each was born on a holy day on the Hebrew calendar, and each was also born on either a day "1" or "7" on the Sacred Round. This latter proposal concerning day 7 being a minor holy day is new in this article. I have wondered about it for years. There are thirteen days in the time unit called the trecena on the Sacred Round, and it has been clear that both the first and last days ("1" and "13") are sacred, but there has not been an instance where the midpoint (or "meridian") day 7 of the trecena is also known to be holy. Now that has changed. The birth requirements are so strict for these twelve that to me it now appears that the day 7 must be a minor holy day. All twelve of the birth days turn out to be equally important. The ones that occur on minor holy days instead of major are compensated by also occurring on other sacred calendars, or having impressive conjunctions of the planets occur in the sky on those dates. We have already seen this in the case of Abraham, whose birth date was not as impressive on the calendar, but which was accompanied by a double conjunction of planets.

Before listing the twelve birth dates, let us first turn to the difficult problem of determining at least the year of Benjamin's birth.

Benjamin

What about the twelfth son, Benjamin? He was born many years later, and we are not even given the year. Do we have any way of determining Benjamin's birth date? The answer appears to be in the affirmative because of the many clues we are given about the time of his birth.


On his way to Hebron, Jacob
stayed at Succoth, Shechem, and Bethel.

Let us review the history in just enough detail to deduce the year of Benjamin's birth. Laban convinced Jacob to work for him six more years after the birth of Joseph (in the spring of 1801 BC). At the end of those six years (in 1795 BC) Jacob took his family and left on his way to Canaan. During that year he crossed the Jabbok at Peniel where he wrestled the angel who said his name would be changed from Jacob to Israel. Then they sojourned a while in Succoth, and then moved to Shechem. There his daughter Dinah was defiled by Shechem (the prince and namesake of the town), leading to Simeon and Levi destroying the entire village. This caused Jacob to fear retribution from the local inhabitants, and when Jacob prayed for help, the Lord told him to go south to Bethel, where he should stay and offer sacrifice (Gen. 35:1). This he did, and there the Lord appeared to him and officially changed his name to Israel, and told him that whole groups of nations would descend from him (Gen. 35:11). While there, his mother Rebekah's nurse Deborah died and they also got word that his mother had also died in Hebron at the age of 133. After mourning for both, Rachel conceived, and later they decided to relocate back to Hebron, further south. During that journey, when they came near Bethlehem, his beloved Rachel died while giving birth to their twelfth son Benjamin (Gen. 35:16-18). They continue on south to Hebron, where his father Isaac lived (Gen. 35:27).


Hebron, home of Isaac and Rebekah.

So when was Benjamin born? The unknowns have been how long the family was at Succoth and then how long they remained at Bethel. Of many possible approaches to solve this problem, the following now seems the most straightforward. If we start from the premise that Rebekah died at age 133, a year or so before the birth of Benjamin, then everything works out easily, because Rebekah's birth date was already established in an earlier article.[12] This method avoids the problems of exactly how long the family stayed in those two areas because it skips most of that time period. It also dovetails nicely with the record of events after they arrived in Hebron.

Proposed Birth Dates

Here is a table of the proposed birth dates for the twelve sons of Jacob, as well as some other related events, such as the births of Leah and Rachel. If the day on the sacred calendar is not a holy day, then it is indicated at a dash (—). In the event column, "b." means birth, "c." means circumcised (one week later), and "md." means married. On the Sacred Round calendar, the day "1" represents beginning, so it is ideal for birth. In the cases where the birth is on "7", then the circumcision day falls on "1" on an especially significant day. In the case of Reuben, it is 1 Water, and Water is his emblem. In the case of Judah, the circumcision is on 1 Temple, where Temple also signifies birth



Let us consider some of these results and their implications in more detail.

New Holy Days

One problem that has been difficult in all of this research is to know just what the "official" holy days are on the Hebrew Calendar. What are the holy dates that the Lord has on his calendar, not including those which have just been added by man to celebrate joyous occasions? It must be remembered that all of these births occurred long before the birth of Moses, and most of them would celebrate future events. Many of the holy days are explicitly described in the Law of Moses, so there is little question about them. But what about Hanukkah, the eight-day Festival of Lights that commemorates the rededication of the temple in 165 BC? Was that date on God's calendar from the beginning? What about the Feast of Esther, which celebrates Esther's saving the Israelites from execution in the fifth century BC? These questions have puzzled me for years.

Hanukkah


Grouping of Mercury, Venus, Saturn and the Sun in the Water Bearer on Hanukkah, 1808 BC.

The dates for Reuben teach us several things. First, to me it appears to establish the first (and last?) day of Hanukkah to be an official minor holy day. The first day of Hanukkah falls on 25 Kislev, near the Christian Christmas season. The last day occurs seven days later on either 2 Tebeth or 3 Tebeth, depending on whether the month of Kislev has 29 or 30 days. Reuben's birth date was almost certainly on Hanukkah, and the day of his circumcision one week later would have fallen on the last day. That day was "1 Water" on the Sacred Round, and Water is the symbol of the Water Bearer constellation (Reuben). As shown in the illustration, there was also a grouping of three planets with the sun in the Water Bearer on Hanukkah (25 Kislev) that year.

Feast of Esther

The same question concerns the Feast of Esther on 14-15 Adar. Are those two days "official" holy days or not? Again, the answer seems to be in the affirmative, because the twins Zebulon and Dinah were most likely born on 14 Adar. Not only does the date fit the pattern perfectly, the planets Mercury and Venus were both located in the leg of the Ram which is breaking the bands of death. Henceforth in these articles, both Hanukkah and the Feast of Esther will be treated as minor holy days.

Easter


Joseph was probably born on Easter.

Again, a similar question arises concerning Easter, called the Waving of the Omer on the Hebrew Calendar. It falls on the Sunday after Passover, but was not declared to be a holy day in the Law of Moses, but only the day of a special offering of the firstfruits from the ground. After the Resurrection of Jesus Christ, it became clear that this was really a major holy day, but was it an official holy day from the beginning? To me the answer now appears to be in the affirmative because the birth of Joseph most likely occurred on Easter Sunday of 1801 BC.

An interesting point is that Genesis states that Joseph was born at the completion of the second seven years (Gen. 30:25). According to these proposed dates, it was exactly seven years on the Enoch calendar from his marriage to Leah, and also exactly 14 years from when he began work for Laban. Apparently the seven year periods were precise to the very day.

Confirming Dates

Now let us look at some of the birth and death dates of the parents and grandparents of these twelve sons. They form the same type of interlocking pattern as we have seen in earlier articles about the birth dates of the antediluvian patriarchs.

Rebekah


Rebekah, born and died on 1 Jaguar.

One result of this study is the proposed death date for Jacob's mother Rebekah. Her death date is the key link in discovering the birth date of Benjamin. Her death date now appears solid enough to be the basis of forming an anchor point in history.

As discussed in an earlier article, the proposed birth date for Rebekah ties perfectly to her husband Isaac's. Her proposed birth date is Tue 8 Nov 1923 BC pm* which was 1 Kislev (Hebrew), 1 Jaguar (Sacred Round), 1 Birth (Venus) and 1 Resurrection (Mercury). His proposed birth date is Tue 16 Mar 1952 BC, being 10 Nisan (Hebrew), 1 Serpent (S. R.), 1 Resurrection (Venus) and 1 Birth (Mercury). The important feature to note is that the Venus and Mercury calendar dates are reversed for the two, just as they are for Ishmael and Isaac. That was such a rare coincidence as to really lock in her birth date.

The Book of Jasher states that Rebekah died at age 133 while the family was at Bethel, shortly before the conception of Benjamin (Jasher 36:6). An ideal date is found at that time, being Sat 6 Apr 1790 BC, which was the same day as her birth on the Sacred Round (1 Jaguar). It is common in the ages of the patriarchs (and now matriarchs) to have their life be an exact number of cycles on one of the sacred calendars. In this case, the length of Rebekah's life would be exactly 186 Sacred Rounds. The day was also Easter on both the Hebrew and Enoch calendars, as was Joseph's proposed birth date. Again, it is common to have the period to the birth of a child or grandchild be an exact number of cycles. Moreover, it was also a holy day on the Venus calendar, as was her birth, and there are only 16 days in 584 days that such an alignment occurs. So these fulfillments of multiple patterns convince me that he death date truly has been found: Sat 6 Apr 1790 BC pm*.

Leah and Rachel

After discovering how impressive Rebekah's death date and life was, it caused me to search for the birth and death dates of both Leah and Rachel. Their birth and death years, and ages, are given in the Book of Jasher (Jasher 36:11, 41:2), so it was a much easier problem than the birth of the twelve sons of Jacob. Jasher also mentions that they were twins (Jasher 28:28), even as were Jacob and Esau. Their birth date was most likely Sat 2 Mar 1836 BC, which was the Feast of Esther (Hebrew), 1 Birth (Venus) and 1 Lord (Mercury). Thus, it is proposed that both of these wives were born on 1 Birth (V) as was Jacob, so that is a rare match. Rachel's death occurred at Benjamin's birth, and the day was also 1 Lord (M), so her life completed an exact number of cycles on the Mercury calendar. It was also on 1 Jaguar, the same as Rebekah's proposed birth and death dates.

Leah only lived a few years longer than Rachel, dying before Joseph was sold into Egypt. Her death was most likely on Sat 1 Jul 1786 BC pm*, which was 1 Tammuz, the same as her son Judah. It was also 1 Res (V), the same as Isaac's birth date, and also 1 Adult (M) the same as Jacob's birth date. Again, these are not just holy days, but the match the pattern of being the same as husband and children. It was also 1 Light (S.R.), the day beginning that cycle. These are enough patterns to merit publishing this date as likely to be her death date.

Jacob


Jacob lived an exact number of Hebrew years and Venus cycles.

One new date that emerged from this study is Jacob's death date. After discovering that Rebekah's life most likely was an exact number of Sacred Rounds as well as being a holy day on the Venus calendar, it seemed like a good idea to search for Jacob's death date. To me the result was stunning. By far the most likely date is Mon 14 Apr 1745 BC pm* which was both Passover and also 1 Birth on the Venus Calendar. It is amazing that such a date exists exactly 147 Hebrew years after his proposed birth date on Wed 20 Mar 1892 BC pm*, which was also Passover and also 1 Birth (Venus). Until writing this article, I had not even considered that possibility for at least two reasons. First, 147 = 3 x 49, meaning that his life was exactly three jubilees long, and that alone was impressive enough to me to stop looking. Secondly, 1 Birth (Venus) only occurs on Passover about twice in 584 years on the average, so one wouldn't expect it after only 147 years. Note also that both 1 Birth (V) and 1 Temple, on which he was born, are the very days of those cycles that represent birth. Thus, this is yet another compelling confirmation of the birth date proposed for Jacob several years ago.

Joseph, Ephraim and Manasseh


Jacob blesses Ephraim & Manasseh.

The book of Jasher states that Joseph's two sons were born when he was age 34 (Jasher 50:15). While not stating that they are twins, my conclusion is that they are, because they are compared to the horns of the wild ox (Deut. 33:17), and there is a clear birth date for them when the sun is in the constellation of the Bull, the constellation of Joseph, whom they would replace in the set of twelve tribes. Moreover, there is a clear candidate to be the death date for Joseph at age 110 (Gen. 50:26) and it occurs on the same day of the Hebrew years as the proposed birthday for his sons (1 Nisan). Moreover, their birthday fills in one more very important holy day to the set of twelve (New Year's Day). Thus, the timing of the births appears to have been foreseen and carefully planned.

Scriptural Confirmation

There are several clues in the scriptures about which constellation is associated with which tribe, but some are not obvious at all. When I began this study I was really encouraged about how easy the four cornerstone constellations were, because each of those four tribes (Reuben, Dan, Judah, and Joseph) were compared to the figures (Water Bearer, Scorpion, Lion, Bull) explicitly in their names or blessings. Moreover, Dan means "Judge" and Judah means "Praised," both of which tie directly to the corresponding roles of Jesus Christ of Judge and King, as discussed in last month's article. So those are the four about which everyone agrees. But the other eight were not obvious and there is little agreement about them.

After I had finished this study and had determined the birth dates in the above table, and was in the process of writing this article, the idea occurred to me to read those names and blessings one more time. It was surprising how easy it was to see that there were strong indications in front of me all the time, but many of them are only clear in the light of knowing how the twelve roles of Jesus Christ correspond to the twelve constellations.


Joseph reveals himself to his brothers.

Simeon is the Sacrifice.

There are two clues that Simeon is the Sea Goat that is sacrificed. First, the blessing by Jacob stated, "Simeon and Levi are brethren; instruments of cruelty are in their habitations" (Gen. 49:5). What does that mean? Ostensibly, it refers to their slaying of the village of Shechem to defend their sister Dinah's honor, but could there be more? It occurred to me that Levi's sign is Pisces, which contains the chains or bonds that shackle the fish to the Sea Monster. Those are certainly instruments of cruelty. And the Sea Goat is the other sign that refers to an animal about to be slaughtered by the knife. Thus, the Sea Goat is a good match for Simeon's instrument of cruelty. Moreover, it was Simeon whom Joseph kept behind in Egypt as a ransom for Benjamin, that is, he was the sacrifice.

Levi is The Fishes.

Levi means "Joined," which now seems like a clear reference to the Fishes, which are joined by two bands or chains to the Sea Monster. Moreover, Levi's tribe was that to whom the priesthood was given, which corresponds to the Fishes representing the role of Jesus Christ as the Great High Priest.


Conjunction of Mercury, Jupiter and the Sun in the Maiden at birth of Naphtali.

Naphtali is the Maiden.

There are at least three scriptural clues that Naphtali corresponds to the constellation of the Maiden. First, in the blessing of Jacob, he is compared to a hind or doe, that is, a female deer. Why not a buck? Perhaps it is because he ties to the female constellation. Secondly, in his blessing by Moses, he is told he will be "full with the blessing of the Lord." As in many languages today, the word "full" has the double meaning of expecting a baby. Truly the Virgin Mary was "full with the blessing of the Lord." Thus both blessings contain references not only to females, but one to an expectant mother, which is clearly the Virgin's Seed. Finally, the name Naphtali means "to struggle or wrestle," [15] which could describe the struggle of giving birth.

Gad is the Archer.

The name Gad means "fortune," coming from the root which means an invading troop or an attack which overcomes. The Archer is like a one man cavalry (a centaur) attacking and overcoming the scorpion with bow and arrow.[16] His blessing was that Gad "shall overcome at last" (Gen. 49:19) which again fits perfectly with the Archer representing Christ as the "Savior."

Issachar is the Crab.

The name Issachar means to "he will bring a reward"[17]. That is exactly the role of the Crab, who represents Christ as the "Deliverer" who brings the captive dead forth from Hades. And his blessing echoes this theme: he is likened to a donkey "crouching down between two burdens" and "becoming a servant unto tribute" (Gen. 49:14-15).

Thus, six of the eight tribes with unknown constellations have hints in their names or roles of Christ. The other two Asher ("happy") and Zebulon ("habitation")[18] are not as obvious. Asher may well tie to the Balance because of the joy that comes after the price has been paid. And Zebulon's "dwelling" could refer to the everlasting life of the Ram's golden fleece, but neither of these is nearly as straightforward as the other six.

Conclusion

The mystery of how the twelve constellations of the zodiac correspond to the twelve tribes of Israel appears now to have been solved by applying knowledge of the Lord's sacred calendars to the chronological clues in the scriptures and the Book of Jasher. Confirmation is found in the meanings of their names, as well as in the corresponding roles of Jesus Christ. Some of the implications are that Hanukkah, the Feast of Esther, and Easter are all Hebrew holy days that were on the Lord's calendar from as early as the time of Jacob. All of these together testify of the importance of the Lord's calendars as a tool to determine the exact dates of key historical religious events, and to provide many more witnesses of the historicity and accuracy of the scriptures.

ZIDANE a new way to solve problems..

make it like zidane



if you have any kind of problems..zinedine zidane created the new trend for this summer..just knock one out.. here an example from austria...

FOR ALL : We are not againt Zidane, he is still the best.. ok !! :)

the music is from PINK MARTINI and the song is called SYMPATHIQUE..

Mere Haath Mein Tera Haath Ho

mere haath mein tera haath ho, saari jannatein mere saath hon
tu jo paas ho phir kya yeh jahaan, tere pyar mein ho jaoon fanaa
mere haath mein tera haath ho, saari jannatein mere saath hon
tu jo paas ho phir kya yeh jahaan, tere pyar mein ho jaoon fanaa
mere haath mein tera haath ho, saari jannatein mere saath hon

tere dil mein meri saanson ko jagah mil jaaye
tere ishq mein meri jaan fanaa ho jaaye

jitne paas hain khushboo saans ke
jitne paas honthon ke sargam
jaise saath hain karvat yaad ke
jaise saath baahon ke sangam
jitne paas paas khwaabon ke nazar
utni paas tu rehna humsafar

tu jo paas ho phir kya yeh jahaan, tere pyar mein ho jaoon fanaa
mere haath mein tera haath ho, saari jannatein mere saath hon

rone de aaj humko do aankhein sujaane de
baahon mein lene de aur khud ko bheeg jaane de
hain jo seene mein quaid dariya woh chhoot jaayega
hain itna dard ke tera daaman bheeg jaayega

jitne paas paas dhadkan ke hain raaz
jitne paas boondon ke baadal
jaise saahaq-saath chanda ke hain raat
jitne paas nainon ke kaajal
jitne paas paas saagar ke lehar
utne paas tu rehna humsafar

adhoori saans thi, dhadkan adhoori thi, adhoore hum
magar ab chaand poora hain falak pe aur ab pooren hain ham


Translation

Let your hands be in mine, let all the heavens be with me
If you be near, what is this world (who cares abt the world),
I should be destroyed / lost in your love
Let your hands be in mine, let all the heavens be with me
If you be near, what is this world (who cares abt the world),
I should be destroyed / lost in your love
Let your hands be in mine, let all the heavens be with me

Let my breath find refuge in your heart
Let my life be annihilated in your love

As near are fragrances to breath
As near are melodies to lips
As near are involuntary turns (in sleep) to memories
As near are arms to union
As inseparable are dreams to eyes
Stay as close to me, my life-partner
If you be near, what is this world (who cares abt the world),
I should be destroyed / lost in your love
Let your hands be in mine, let all the heavens be with me

Let me cry today, let my eyes be swollen
Let me embrace you and let me be drenched
The stream, trapped in my heart, will break free
Theres so much pain that your daaman will be drenched

As close are secrets to heart-beats
As inseparable as droplets to clouds
As made for one another are moon 'n' night
As inseparable is kohl to the eyes
As near are the sea and waves
Stay as close to me, my life-partner
If you be near, what is this world (who cares abt the world),
I should be destroyed / lost in your love
Let your hands be in mine, let all the heavens be with me

Incomplete was the breath, incomplete heart-beat, incomplete was I
But now the moon is full in the sky, and now, complete I am

This is better than saying I love you

Hhmmmm.....If All Men Behave this way....

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order,spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.
Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3a.m., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on
the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take
your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest: New opening weekend record



Update from July 8

And the winner, and new opening week champion, “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest.”

As predicted, the sequel rolled to an opening weekend of $132 million and broke the previous opening weekend record of $115 held by “Spiderman.” CNNMoney is reporting that the Pirates trilogy will fare better than "Back to the Future" in the 1980s, make it more like the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy which grossed over $1 billion in the box office. Though the ladder trilogy will more than likely remain above the other trilogies in award receipts.

Reuters is also reporting the significance of a successful and profitable pirate trilogy for the makers, especially Disney.

One thing I still don’t understand; what’s the deal with the jar of sand?

Also, for those of you pirate fans out there, the History Channel ran an excellent documentary on actual pirates of the Caribbean.

Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest



More undead pirates, more swordplay and more Keira Knightley. Not to mention three nearly sold out midnight showings on Thursday, July 6 at the AMC Fenway in Boston.

That’s the buzz around the swashbuckling sequel, “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest,” which formally opened on Friday.



I had a chance to attend one of the Thursday midnight showings. (Theater 11, behind the guy who actually started talking on his cell phone during the movie.) I got to see first-hand what this pirate business is all about, and honestly, people go mad over this whole thing. One person even waved a black pirate flag and screamed “arrrr” during the movie.

Despite the fast-paced action and some great scenes, like a three-way swordfight inside an out of control spinning watermill, the movie was way too long, 150 minutes. Two and a half hours is just too long for an adventure comedy about pirates, and more time needed to be spent in the cutting room, taking out appendix-like scenes and clarifying the main point of the movie. The plot begins abruptly enough, with the arrest of Knightley’s and Bloom’s characters for helping Jack Sparrow escape at the end of the first movie. Bloom’s character, Will Turner, is immediately offered a way out of jail and execution by helping the East India Trading Company obtain Sparrow’s magical compass.

And then the whole thing gets mixed up with side plots like Elizabeth Swann searching for Turner and developing feelings for Sparrow, and there is just way too much time spent on developing the personality and finer points of the Jack Sparrow character. He’s a maladjusted, crazy pirate and Verbinski and company should have left well enough alone.

The movie does have some shortcomings, but this is the July blockbuster of an otherwise slow-so-far 2006 summer film season. The movie is predicted to match the original “Pirates of the Caribbean’s” $654 million worldwide revenue. This may seem amazingly high, but factor in that “Dead Man’s Chest” and the third installment in the pirate trilogy cost $450 million to produce. “Dead Man’s Chest” could gross over $100 million this weekend, bringing it close to “Spider-Man,” which opened to the sum of $115 million back in 2002.

“Dead Man’s Chest” will team up with the June success of “Cars” to round out Disney’s fiscal year. Shares of Disney stock closed down at just under $30 Friday.

World Cup: Zidane Crisis Management



I've been thinking about what I wanted to say about Zinédine Zidane and his 111th minute red card in the World Cup Final against Italy.

Zidane is one of the best soccer players in the world - indeed one of the greatest soccer players ever. Zidane won the World Cup Golden Ball this year as the most outstanding player in the tournament, but those votes were cast before the 111th minute of the final.

Late into overtime, Zidane, the French captain, head-butted Italian defender Marco Materazzi. Materazzi denied today that he made a racial slur after speculation arose that the Italian called Zidane a "dirty terrorist." Materazzi pled ignorance

"I don't even know what the word means," Materazzi told Ansa, an Italian news source.

There is going to be speculation for a long time about what was or wasn't said, but I think there is a very interesting public relations/crisis management opportunity here for Zidane. He has already announced his retirement, but the last thing he should do right now is fade into the shadows without a word to his faithful fans, countrymen and indeed the world as over a billion people watched the penalty head butt live. like I said, TV ratings were up...

There are dozens of videos of the foul floating all over the Internet, with full sports anchor commentary in every language. The reaction is all the same, no matter what language you speak. The media flames shock and anger like kindling. On the topic of video, despite the fact that the foul was replayed over and over again at the stadium, FIFA officials claimed that video played no role in the red card.

Materazzi clearly did, or more likely said, something seriously off cuff to evoke this sort of reaction out of Zidane in the World Cup Final, whether Materazzi's father wants to admit it or not. Zidane has lost his top before, however. He was red carded in 1998 for stomping on a Saudi Arabian player.

In a bit of irony that rivals Benedict Arnold being shot in the leg at the battle of Saratoga and wishing he had been shot in the heart (which means he never would have betrayed the American side and would have fallen on the battlefield as an American hero), Zidane was seriously injured in the final game Sunday and signaled for a substitution. When he stayed in the game, even the commentators were calling for heroics, which we would certainly have seen in the shootout. But France was forced to shoot without perhaps their two best players, Henry, who came out with cramps, and Zidane. Italy won the shootout and this the game.

Crisis.

Management: Zidane needs to get and stay in the light. He needs to speak out, not to accuse the Italian player (or not just to accuse him) of verbally provoking Zidane, because even verbal provocation doesn't excuse that kind of response, no matter what country you come from. Zidane should first apologize for his inappropriate response and then to answer the questions the media will throw at him. And there will be several.

Hey, you won the Golden Ball. You were the best player in the world championship. Now be a champion and bite the bullet before the court of public opinion under the grave of obscurity that surrounds so many extremely talented athletes who lost control for a brief moment.

The crowds booed for 15 minutes after Zidane got the red card. Obviously it was a mixture of the angered French crowd who had lost their captain, and the angered Italian fans who sided with Materazzi.

I come from Italian descent, and even I didn't want to see the game end the way it did, but Zinédine Zidane has a chance to pull himself out of this one. Let's see what happens.

Woh Lamhe - Zeher

Wo Lamhe, wo baatein,
Koi na jaane,
Thi kaisi raatein,
Hooo, barsaatein,
Wo bheegi bheegi yaadein,
Wo bheegi bheegi yaadein...

Na main jaanoun, Na tu jaane,
Kaisa hai ye mausam,
Koi na jaane,
Kahi se hai fizaa aayi,
Ghamon ki dhoop sang laayi,
Khafaa hogaye hum,
Judaa hogaye hum,

Wo Lamhe, wo baatein,
Koi na jaane,
Thi kaisi raatein,
Hooo, barsaatein,
Wo bheegi bheegi yaadein,
Wo bheegi bheegi yaadein...

Saagar ki, Gehraayi se,Gehra hai, Apna pyaar,
Sehraoun ki, In hawaon me, Kaise aayeee-gi bahaar,
Kahan se ye hawa aayi,
Ghataayen kaali kyoun chhaayi,
Khafaa hogaye hum,
Judaa hogaye hum,

Wo Lamhe, wo baatein,
Koi na jaane,
Thi kaisi raatein,
Hooo, barsaatein,
Wo bheegi bheegi yaadein,
Wo bheegi bheegi yaadein...


Translation

those moments, those talks
no one knows
how were those nights
those rain showers
those damp memories
those damp memories

neither I know, nor do you know
how is this weather
no one knows
from where has this breeze come
she has brought sunshine of sorrow with her
I have become angry
we have become separated

those moments, those talks
no one knows
how were those nights
those rain showers
those damp memories
those damp memories

our love is deeper than the depths of the ocean
how is the spring going to come in the winds of trembling fear
from where has this wind come
why have the black clouds over shadowed the sky
I have become angry
we have become separated

those moments, those talks
no one knows
how were those nights
those rain showers
those damp memories
those damp memories

Kehidupanku

Aku benci dgn kehidupanku yg bermacam-macam masalah, kenape ramai org suke memberi tanggapan yg salah kepada saya ? apekah kesalahan saya kepada mereka ? kenape mereka suke menuduh bende yg saya sendiri pun tak terpikir nak buat ? nak sgt ke saya buat ape yg mereka menuduh saya ?

Baru saya faham selama ini saya hidup dalam kebaikan, hormati org adalah sia sia belaka, rasanye sudah tiba masanye utk bertukar sifat kepada kejahatan, mungkin juga kejahatan bole menolong saya selepas ini, tetapi adakah benar kejahatan bole menolong saya ?

Setiap hari datang kepadaku masaalah baru, yg lama tak settle dtg baru, menimbun macam klcc, adoi macam-macam bende saya hendak buat tapi bila pikir balik tak baik saya stop, bila org dlm kesusahan saya menolong dgn ikhlas tetapi ape yg saya dpt selepas menolong, saya tidak mahukan ape-ape tetapi jgnlah sampai menyakiti hati ku, ikhlas terus jadi tak ikhlas, ape ingat saya nih haiwan ke ? main pakai lepas tu buang ?

Bagus ye peraturan dunia nih, sungguh adil kepada org lain tetapi bukan kepada saya, sampai bila hendak macam ini ? baru mencintai seseorang dah mula macam macam hal.. bila kata rindu dia dia bole jawab "ye ke? bole percaya ke?" pedih nye hati ini, dia tak tahu setiap sms yg saya dpt saya harapkan dia yg sms, setiap kali org call saya harapkan dia yg call, setiap kali makan memikirkan tentang dia adakah dia sudah makan? tido pun pikir pasal dia, bila tgk movie kisah kisah cinta mesti teringat dia, ye la ending dia lelaki juga yg disalahkan.. bagus ye, sungguh bagus sekali... adakalanye rasa mahu memencilkan diri ku ini dr org lain, tapi ape yg akan berlaku pada diri ku ini bila keseorangan ?

Sampai bila perlu saya mengorbankan diri kepada org lain ? bilakah masa depan cerah saya akan tiba ? perlukah saya hentikan menolong org yg memerlukan pertolongan drpd saya ? sampai bila perlu saya dihina lagi ? Saya sungguh sedih hari ini... Baru saya sedar tolong org pun tak guna, bila saya dlm kesusahan adakah mereka mereka yg saya tolong akan menolong saya ? mesti tidak kerana selama nih tak ade pun yg tlg melainkan sepupu saya dan kawan baik saya, tu pun sekarang dah gaduh dgn dia, well whos with me ? no one... i shall remain alone then... thats the best for me ! I Think So !

Wahai kehidupanku, mengapakah kehidupanku begini, setelah mengenali diriku ini semakin mendalam mengapakah mendapat ujian ujian yg seperti ini.. sejak lahir lagi sudah hidup kesedihan, tidak merasai kenikmatan seorang budak, hilang semua, semua mempergunakan saya, ade ke org lain macam saya ? atau saya sorang je yg kene macam nih ? kelmarin masuk spital lagi, esok lusa tatau, kehidupanku adakah ianye panjang ataupun sebaliknye ? kenape setiap kali menolong org saya mendapat kesususahan ? seperti saya memberi nasib baik saya kepada org tersebut dan mengambik nasib buruk dia ke saya ? why ? why ? why ? sampai bila nak macam nih ? saya tahu selagi mana saya tlg org saya akan makin sakit tetapi kenape saya masih mahu menolong ? is it my nature ? should i change ?

No One Understand Me ! No One !

Nah ! Fuck the world

Aashiqui Meri

aa aa aashiqui mein teri jaa jaa jaayegi jaan meri - 5
de de dil jaaye na jaan yeh - 2
hain kasam hain meri
aa aa aashiqui mein teri jaa jaa jaayegi jaan meri - 2
tu meri jannat hain tu hi meri chahat hain
tu meri bechaini tu hi meri raahat hain
tu hi manzil meri
aa aa aashiqui mein teri jaa jaa jaayegi jaan meri - 2

main teri deewangi mein hadh se gujar chuka hoon
kya bataaun kis kadar main tujhpe marr chuka hoon
main teri deewangi mein hadh se gujar chuka hoon
kya bataaun kis kadar main tujhpe marr chuka hoon
tu meri saansen hain tu hi meri dhadkan hain
tu meri madhoshi tu hi meri tadpan hain
tu hi manzil meri
aa aa aashiqui mein teri jaa jaa jaayegi jaan meri - 2

har ghadi nazar mein hai chehra sirf tera
kya karu main ab nahi hain bas mein dil yeh mera
har ghadi nazar mein hai chehra sirf tera
kya karu main ab nahi hain bas mein dil yeh mera
tu meri tanhaai tu hi meri mehfil hain
tu meri betaabi tu hi mera qaatil
tu hi manzil meri
aa aa aashiqui mein teri jaa jaa jaayegi jaan meri - 2
de de dil jaaye na jaan yeh - 2
hain kasam hain meri
aa aa aashiqui mein teri jaa jaa jaayegi jaan meri - 2


Translation

In my love for you, I'll loo loo lose my life
Gimme that heart (of yours) that I don't lose my life
I swear
In my love for you, I'll loo loo lose my life

It's my fate that you're my desire
You're my worry, you're my peace
You're my destination
In my love for you, I'll loo loo lose my life

I have crossed the limits of craziness with you
How shall I say how I'd die for you
I have crossed the limits of craziness with you
How shall I say how I'd die for you

You are my breath you are my heartbeat
You're my intoxication you are my sufferring
In my love for you, I'll loo loo lose my life

every second my mind only holds your face
what shall I do that my heart is no longer in my grasp..
every second my mind only holds your face
what shall I do that my heart is no longer in my grasp..

You are my lonelinesses, you are my gatherings
you're my worry , you're my killer
You're my destination

In my love for you, I'll loo loo lose my life
Gimme that heart (of yours) that I don't lose my life
I swear
In my love for you, I'll loo loo lose my life

Mencari Teman

Apabila kau ingin berteman, Janganlah kerana kelebihannya, Kerana mungkin dengan satu kelemahan, Kau mungkin akan menjauhinya.... Andai kau ingin berteman, Janganlah kerana kebaikannya, Kerana mungkin dengan satu keburukan, Kau akan membencinya.... Andai kau inginkan sahabat yang satu, Janganlah kerana ilmunya, Kerana apabila dia buntu, Kau mungkin akan memfitnahnya.... Andai kau inginkan seorang teman, Janganlah kerana sifat cerianya, Kerana andai dia tidak pandai menceriakan, Kau mungkin akan menyalahkannya.... Andai kau ingin bersahabat, Terimalah dia seadanya, Kerana dia seorang sahabat, Yang hanya manusia biasa.... Jangan diharapkan sempurna, Kerana kau juga tidak sempurna, Tiada siapa yang sempurna... Tapi bersahabatlah kerana Allah..

Kisah 3 Mayat

Seorang pegawai polis masuk ke bilik mayat sebuah hospital untuk menyiasat punca kematian tiga lelaki sekaligus. Selepas memeriksa mayat-mayat itu, dia bertanya kepada penjaga bilik berkenaan. Polis : Mengapa ketiga-tiga mayat tersenyum? Penjaga: Lelaki pertama sedang bersanding, apabila tiba2 diserang strok. Lelaki kedua pula khabarnya menang loteri dan mati serangan sakit jantung manakala yg ketiga disambar petir. Polis: Hah! Kenapa disambar petir pun tersenyum? Penjaga: Masa tu dia ingat orang sedang ambil gambarnya...


Fanatik Memancing Ikan

Seram gile....sapa yg lemah semangat...dilarang baca... Ajis memang kaki pancing, mana saja lubuk & sungai semua dia pergi,kalau ada yg cakap kat sungai tu ada ikan, ajis mesti pi try mancingkat situ. Satu hari masa minum kat kedai kopi Pak Ngah Jiman, Ajis terdengarrakan2 sekampungnya bercerita tentang satu lubuk baru yg banyak ikanditemui kat sungai di kampung seberang, kampung tu agak jauh &pedalaman sungai tu lebih kurang 5 km dr kampung tu, dekat tepipinggir hutan.

Tengahari tu, Ajis dah bersiap nak pegi memancing kat lubuk ygdiceritakan, siap pakai helmet, Ajis masukkan bekalan minum petang danpancingnya dlm raga motor. Sepanjang perjalanan Ajis bernyanyiriang, jauh jugak nak kekampung seberang tu, dah hampir masuk waktuAsar baru Ajis sampai, teringat pulak dia tak sempat solat Zohor
tadi& dia terpikir, karang kalau terus pi sungai tu, tak sempat plak solatAsar.

tak lama kemudian Ajis nampak sebuah surau yg agak uzur kat tepijalan sunyi kampung tu. bergegas dia berhenti, ditengoknyakeliling tak ada orang, sunyi saja surau tu. Ajis segera mengambilwuduk dgn tergesa2 sbb waktu Zohor dah hampir nak habis.Masa Ajis di rakaat yg kedua, Ajis tiba-tiba terdengar bunyi suaraorang ketawa. Bulu romanya tiba2 meremang, "Hish, sapa pulak yg gelak2tu?" bisik hati Ajis, setiap kali Ajis sujud, Ajis terasa kepala &tengkuknya berat dr biasa, Ajis tak sedap hati, ni surau tinggal ker,sbb dah uzur sangat dan alahai, sapa pulak duduk kat tengkuk dia ni.

Sedaya-upaya Ajis tenangkan hati, selesaikan solat dgnsegera, dia nak tinggalkan cepat surau tu. Bulu romanya semakinmeremang-remang sbb suara org ketawa semakin ramai, ada yg
sampaiterbatuk-batuk. Syukur, Ajis dah berada di tahiyat terakhir, selesai memberi salam kekanan dan ke kiri, Ajis meraup mukanya dgn tangan dr atas ubun2 kepalasampai ke dagu, then tiba-tiba Ajis tersedar.

rupa-rupanya dia terlupa nak tanggalkan helmet masa naksembahyang tadi, sbb terlampau nak cepat, bila dia toleh belakang,patutlah dengar orang ketawa, rupa-rupanya tok imam, bilal dan orang2kampung yg dtg nak sembahyang Asar duk gelakkan dia sebab Ajissembahyang pakai helmet, patut ler kepala dia rasa berat semacam.Terus Ajis blah macam tu ajer, tak jadi pi memancing, dia pusingbalik, sembahyang Asar kat rumah sendiri sajalah....

Bedah !!

Seorang bapak memanggil anak gadisnya masuk kedalam bilik. Dialog dia lebih kurang macam ni la...

Bapak : Bedah, mai sini sat. Bapak nak tunjuk sesuatu ni.

Bedah : Ya bapak, ada apa?

Bapak : Mai masuk dalam bilik pastu tolong tutup semua tirai tingkap.

Bedah : Apa???!!! (isk? bapak aku ni? lain macam jerr)

Bapak : Dengar tak bapak kata.....

Bedah : Ya bapak, Bedah dengar... cuma Bedah tak percaya apa yang bapak kata ni.

Bapak : Betulll. Bapak suruh hang masuk dalam bilik pastu tutup semua tingkap. Bedah pun dalam ragu-ragu tu, dia ikut jugak la apa yang bapak dia suruh. Sambil tu dok pikir gak laa... apa la bapak dia nak buat, dah la kat rumah.

Bapak : Okeh... mai duduk sebelah bapak. Heh? heh...

Bedah : Eh!!! bapak, Bedah kena keluar dari bilik ni. Sat lagi mak balik...abis aaaa.

Bapak : Tak payah risau... mai duduk sini cepat!!!! Jangan bagi bapak berkasar.

Bedah pun terpaksa la duduk jugak... hati dia takleh cakap laa... berdebar giler ahhh. Dalam kepala dok terbayang jadi apa la nanti kat dia.

Bapak : Cantikkk!!! Yiihaaa. Astalavista bebeh. Okeh, mai masuk dalam selimut bapak plak.

Bedah : Apa???!!!

Bapak : Masuk la cepat!!! Dok cakap banyak pulak. Bapak ikat mulut tu karang aaa.

Bedah : Bapak...Bedah takut laaa. (nak nangis)

Bapak : Bedah, tengok ni

Bedah tak sanggup nak tengok... dia pejamkan mata. Dia tahu, bapak dia dok buang tebiat. Bapak dia dah gila. Kiranya, bapak dia tunjuk tu konon-konon nak intro dulu ler tu. Tapi dalam hati, Bedah teringin gak la nak tengok. Dia pun bukak la mata sikit.

Bapak : Cantik tak jam G-Shock baru bapak ni. Dia ader cahaya bila gelap. Mahal nih!!! Dah, pegi keluar.


Tok Penghulu

Seorang budak kecil sedang memanjat pokok mangga di tepi rumahnya, tetiba dibawahnya melintas penghulu kampung tersebut sambil memandang keatas.

"Masyaallah" Tok penghulu tersebut tetiba bersuara dan menyuruh budak kecil tersebut turun. Setelah budak kecil itu turun, Tok penghulu memarahi beliau.

Tok penghulu : Hey budak, lain kali kalau nak memanjat pokok, pakai seluar dalam dulu. Tak senonoh betul.

Tok penghulu tersebut memberikan wang RM5.00 dan menyuruh budak itu membeli seluar dalam. Setelah pulang kerumah,budak tersebut menceritakan segala-nya kepada emak nya. Esok pagi-pagi lagi,emak budak tersebut pula memanjat pokok tersebut tanpa memakai seluar dalam.
Dalam hatinya berkata "kalau anak aku boleh dapat RM5.00, aku yang dah besar ni, koman-koman boleh dapat RM20.00" Seperti semalam, tok penghulu sekali lagi melintas kawasan tersebut sambil memandang keatas.

"Masyaallah" sekali lagi tok penghulu terkejut dan memanggil emak budak tersebut turun. Dengan hati yang gembira kerana perangkapnya untuk mendapat RM20.00 akhirnya hampir menjadi kenyataan, Tok penghulu berkata : "Kamu dengan anak kamu sama saja, dah tahu nak panjat pokok, pakai lah seluar dalam... tak senonoh betul.

Selepas selesai membebel Tok penghulu menyeluk poketnya dan mengambil wang lalu berkata:-"Nah 50 sen, pergi beli pisau cukur"


Pak Pandir !!!

Suatu hari pak pandir melalui satu lorong yang kecik semasa hendak pulang ke rumahnye.. entah macam mana.. di tengah perjalanannye tadi dia terjumpe seketul taik yang masih panas..
tapi dia tu... masih konpius sama ada betul ke bende yang dia jumpe tu seketul taik..

Oleh kerana kemusykilan yang teramat sangat tu... pak pandir ambil keputusan untuk mengkaji sampel najis berkenaan..
Pak pandir menghampirkan matanye ke taik tersebut...lalu dia berkata..
"bentuk macam taik" Lepas tu dia pegang pulak taik tu.. lalu dia berkata.. "lembik...macam taik" lepas tu dia ambik sikit taik tu lalu dia hidu taik tu...
Lepas tu dia berkata.. "Bau macam taik".. oleh kerana pak pandir ni masih ragu-ragu dengan taik tu lalu dia pun mengambil keputusan untuk mejilat sedikit taik tersebut... Sebaik sahaja

dia menjilat taik berkenaan dia pun menjerit...
> > >"MEMANG TAIK..NASIB BAIK AKU TAK TERPIJAK"..< < .


GAGAP (18SX):

Kerana kecewa dengan suaminya yang gagap... si isteri mencadangkan agar suaminya berjumopa doktor

Di Klinik.. Suaminya menceritakan kepada doktor...

Suami : "ddok.. Doktor.. is.. isteri sa.. sa.. ya ma.. marah.. ke..kerana sa..sa.. ya ga.. ga.. gagap"

Doktor memeriksa si suami.. Lalu berkata..

Doktor : "Kamu gagap kerana 'anu' kamu terlalu panjang.. dan itu mempengaruhi percakapanmu..
kamu boleh sembuh kalau 'anumu' dipotong sebahagian'.."

Suami : "Po.. Potongla dok.. doktor.. yang pen.. penting is..isteri sa.. saya ti..ti..tidak ma..marah la.. lagi"

Setelah dipotong.. akhirnya sisuami sembuh dari penyakitnya dan pulang kerumah...
Beberapa hari kemudian dia sekali lagi berjumpa doktor tersebut...

Suami : "Doktor.. saya mahu disambung semula 'anu' saya.. sebab isteri saya marah kerana dia
merasakan ada yang hilang dan tidak puas.. biarlah penyakit saya itu timbul lagi.. yang pentingnya isteri saya puas.."

Doktor : "Ma.. ma.. maaf.. ti..ti.. tidak bo.. boleh.. ke..ke..rana su..su..dah di sam.. sambung ke.. kepada saya"


Menunggu Kelahiran

Empat orang bakal ayah sedang menunggu kelahiran bayi mereka diruang rehat sebuah hospital. Kegelisahan jelas diriak muka mereka Seorang jururawat keluar dari bilik pembedahan lalu berkata kepada lelaki yang pertama, Tahniah! Isteri Tuan selamat melahirkan anak kembar dua. Kembar dua! Kebetulan pula, saya bekerja di menara berkembar Petronas, kata lelaki yang pertama dengan riangnya. Beberapa minit kemudian, seorang jururawat lain datang memberitahu kepada lelaki kedua, Isteri Tuan selamat melahirkan bayi kembar tiga. Tahniah! Apa? Kembar tiga! Saya bekerja dengan 3D Corporation, kata lelaki yang kedua.

Setengah jam kemudian, seorang jururawat memberitahu kepada lelaki ketiga, Tahniah! Isteri Tuan selamat. Tuan dikurniakan anak kembar empat kata jururawat itu dengan tenang. Kembar empat! Sungguh saya tak menduga kejadian ini, saya pula bekerja di Four Season Hotel, kata lelaki ketiga dengan gembira. Lelaki yang keempat mula mundar-mandir kegelisahan. Ketiga-tiga lelaki tadi berasa hairan melihat keadaan lelaki keempat itu. Mereka bertanya, Apakah yang merunsingkan awak? Dengan perasaan gelisah dia menjawab Saya bekerja di Seven Eleven.


Doktor

Pada suatu hari, seorang doktor pakar jantung meninggal dunia. Untuk mengenang jasanya, keluarganya sepakat untuk membuatkan sebuah tugu peringatan di kuburnya berbentuk jantung. Upacara pengkebumiaan pun berjalan dengan lancar. Satu bulan kemudian, seorang doktor pakar mata pula meninggal dunia. Seperti yang sudah?, ahli keluarganya sepakat untuk membina sebuah tugu berbentuk mata di kuburnya bagi mengenang jasa? beliau. Upacara pengkebumiaan beliau juga berjalan dengan lancar

Setelah selesai, para hadirin berangkat pulang, hanya tinggal seorang saja yang masih merenung sendirian di pinggir makam si doktor itu. Salah seorang doktor yang lain melihatnya dan segera menghampirinya. "Sudahlah, yang berlalu biarlah berlalu. Tak usah engkau fikirkan lagi " kata si doktor. "Saya tidak tahu apa yang harus saya katakan kepadamu," kata lelaki itu. "Mengapa pula, mana tahu mungkin saya dapat membantu" jawap si doktor itu. "Saya sedang memikirkan bagaimana pula upacara pengkebumian saya nanti" kata lelaki itu. "Mengapa pula ?" tanya doktor tersebut. "Saya seorang doktor pakar penyakit kelamin" jawap lelaki itu sungul...

MALAM PERTAMA...

Malam pertama adalah malam yang amat di tunggu oleh Karim untuk merasa
nikmat sebagai pengantin baru dengan Minah, isteri yang baru dinikahnya
siang tadi Tetapi pada majlis kenduri siang tadi, masih ada lagi ramai
tetamu yang belum pulang dan sedara mara sebelah keluarga Minah pun
masih bertenggek di ruang tamu. Maklumlah anak sulung ketua kampung ler
katakan dan kemeriahan tersebut di sambut dengan tumbangnya 2 ekor lembu
milik keluarga. Dipendekkan cerita, jam sudah menunjukkan hampir pukul
12 malam dan Karim menjadi semakin resah gelisah dan mundar mandir
didalam bilik pengantin bercadarkan warna biru lembut manakala Minah
masih lagi diluar sibuk melayan tetamu yang datang. Setelah lama
menunggu dan tak tertahan lagi Karim keluar ke ruang tamu sambil
mengangkat kening memberi isyarat kepada Minah sambil menuju kebilik
air, dengan harapan isteri kesayangannya akan menunggu di bilik setelah
dia kembali dari bilik air. Pukul 12.30 barulah Minah masuk ke dalam
bilik dan mendapati suami kesayangannya telahpun terbaring lena.
"Kepenatan gamaknya" bisik hati Minah sambil menyalin gaun tidur nipis
merah jambu yang dibeli Karim tempohari.
'Baaaangg..' bisik Minah di telinga Karim merengek rengek manja seperti
tahu apa yang Karim inginkan tetapi Karim terus menarik selimut dan
menutup muka.
"kenapa ni baaaang....?" Minah membisik manja sambil mendakap Karim dari
belakang dengan eratnya Karim menyelak selimut sambil membisik manja,
"takpelah yaaang.., lain kali ajelah dah terlambat pun.! "kenapa abang
cakap begitu?' dengan nada lembut kehairanan Minah bersuara "Tadi tunggu
Minah lambat sangat jadi abang ke bilik air kejap, dan selepas membuang
air kecil abang ternampak ada sebotol shampoo di bilik air dan terus
abang teringat akan satu iklan di TV" " Dengan Rejoice, guna jari pun
boleh"...

TOPUP YOUR HANDPHONE FOR FREE!!

Hi guys,

Aku dapat ni daripada member lama yg keje kat kedai hp
kat hometown aku. Duduk berborak dengan dia aku pun
koreklah rahsia pasal handphone ni. Last-last cair
jugak dia. Dia pun bagi tau lah aku cara-cara nak
mereload prepaid ni secara percuma.

Ok, sila baca keterangan dibawah ni untuk kegunaan
ngkorang...

Untuk semua talian 012,013,016,017 dan019,! anda semua
selepas ini tak payahlah pergi ke kedai handphone lagi
untuk mereload prepaid anda. Disini ada cara untuk
mereload handphone dengan cara yang agak illegal..
tapi cara mereload handphone ini hanya boleh digunakan
pada 20 hingga 30 haribulan pada setiap bulan. Ini
kerana setiap talian ini di upgrade pada masa-masa
ini.

Ok, kepada pengguna talian 012,013,016,017,019, dail
1415007 dan tunggu dalam 5 saat dan anda akan dengar
seperti bunyi bising, tunggu sehingga bunyi itu hilang
dan dail 9151 tunggu 3 saat dan tekan nombor telefon
anda.

Anda akan dengar dia cakap "please insert you pin
number" masukkan 011785 45227 00734 tunggu selepas dia
kata nombor pin selesai, lepas tu dial 0405 untuk kl
dan s'gor, 0406 utk kawasan lain semenanjung dan 0409
utk sabah s'wak.

Anda akan mendengar "for airtime top-up press 1723"
selepas dail nombor kemudian tekan nombor telefon anda
sekali lagi. Tunggu selepas bunyi bising selesai, dial
4455147 diikuti 146 selepas 5 saat...

Ok, selepas beberapa saat, anda akan mendengar "your
pin number is accept" anda terus dail 1007 dan anda
akan dengar "your key number is accept" terus dail
4566 dan anda akan dengar "your password is accept".
Lepas itu terus dail nombor talipon anda dan anda akan
dengar "pale hotak kau berjambul, kat dalam dunia
ni mana ada benda yang free, zaman skang nih masuk
toilet pun kena bayar 20 sen!!"

Dan anda terus matikan handphone anda dan akan kata.. "cheh!"

English Atau Bahasa Melayu?

Seorang pemandu yang berbosskan org putih dari Amerika sedang membawa bossnye.. tita-tiba kereta dihadapannya berhenti mengejut menyebabkan dia telah menyodok kereta tersebut. Pemandu tersebut pun meminta maaf dari boss nya....:

Pemandu: Sorry Sir, I brake brake, do not eat. After I check the wheel no flower again. (maaf Tuan, saya brek-brek, tak makan, selepas saya cek tayarnya tak ada bunganya lagi)

Orang putih tu pun mahu keluar dan ikut sama marahkan pemandu kereta
dihadapan. Tapi pemandu tersebut menghalangnya... Kata pemandu tersebut:

Pemandu: Don't enter mix, Sir! The bring that car if not wrong I, is the
children fruit from manager moneys, he stupid doesn't play! Let he taste.
(Jangan masuk campur, Tuan! Yang bawa kereta itu kalau tak salah saya, anak
buah dari pengurus kewangan, dia memang bodoh bukan main... Biar dia rasa)

Besoknya si pemandu tak masuk kerja, lusanya,bila dia masuk kerja, si
boss orang putihnya bertanya:

Boss : Why didn't you come to work?

Pemandu : I am sorry boss, my body is not delicious, my body taste like
enter the wind. (maaf boss, badan saya tidak sedap, badan saya rasanya
macam masuk angin)

Isteriku Liza...

"Abang ni, pakai tu elok-elok la sikit," kata Liza lembut sambil membetulkan pakaian Usin. Usin tersenyum memandang isterinya."Cantik isteri abang hari ni," Usin mencubit pipi Liza lembut. "Ayah, ayah, cepat la yah," Farah dan Adi meluru masuk ke bilik kerana dah tak sabar-sabar nak bertolak pulang ke kampung. "Yelah, yelah, ayah dah siap ni." Liza hanya tersenyum melihat suaminya itu melayan karenah anak-anak mereka yang comel dan manja. "Abang, dah lama kita tak balik kampung macam ni, ye?" "Iyelah, maklumlah abang ni sibuk dengan urusan perniagaan. Baru kali ni abang ada peluang untuk cuti panjang." Usin berkata kepada isterinya tercinta.

Perjalanan daripada KL ke Tangkak mengambil masa lebih kurang empat jam. Farah dan Adi dah pun terlelap kat kerusi belakang. Begitu juga dengan isterinya, Liza. "Tak sabar rasanya nak tiba kat kampung," Usin berkata dalam hati.

Sedikit demi sedikit Usin menekan minyak keretanya. Semakin lama keretanya semakin laju dan Usin semakin seronok. Usin dah tak sabar untuk segera sampai ke kampungnya. Pedal minyak ditekannya lagi dan Honda Civicnya mula memecut.Usin cilok kiri, cilok kanan. Habis semua kenderaan dipotongnya. Bangga betul Usin masa tu. Terlupa dia sekejap pada anak dan isterinya yang sedang tidur.

"Eh abang, kenapa bawa laju sangat ni?" tiba-tiba Liza terjaga dari tidurnya."Tak ada apa la sayang, rileks...cepat sikit kita sampai kampung nanti." "Sabar bang, sabar. Biar lambat tak apa....jangan laju sangat bang,20 Liza takut." Liza cuba memujuk Usin supaya memperlahankan kenderaannya. "Rileks Liza?tak ada apa-apa," Usin terus memotong bas ekspres di depannya tanpa was-was.

"Haaa..kan, tengok. Tak ada apa-apa kan?" kata Usin setelah berjaya memotong bas ekspres tadi. "Sudah la tu bang." "Ha... tu ada satu lagi bas ekspres. Liza tengok abang motong dia aaa...." Usin terus masuk gear 3, pedal minyak ditekannya hingga jejak ke lantai.

Usin terus membelok ke kanan untuk memotong dan ....di depannya tersergam sebuah lori balak yang besar dan gagah dan..... BANG!!

"Usin....bangun Sin," sayup-sayup terdengar suara emaknya. Usin membuka matanya. Dia terlihat emaknya di situ. "Mana Liza mak? Macammana dengan Liza mak? Farah, Adi....mana anak-anak saya mak?" Bertubi-tubi Usin menyoal emaknya. Usin tak dapat menahan kesedihannya lagi. Usin menangis semahu-mahunya di depan emaknya.

Emaknya memandang Usin tepat-tepat. "Macamana dengan isteri Usin mak, Liza?" Usin masih terus menangis.

PANGGG!!

Kepala Usin yang botak itu ditampar oleh emaknya dengan tiba-tiba. Usin terdiam. Kenapa emaknya buat dia macam tu? "Banyak la engkau punya isteri! Keja pun pemalas ada hati nak berbini. Tu la, tidur lagi senja-senja macam ni! Dah! Bangun pegi sembahyang!" emaknya terus merungut sambil berlalu keluar....

...Dan Usin tersengih keseorangan. Rasa macam nak masuk dalam tin biskut! Malu beb!!

Sekian.

Moral: Pandulah dengan berhati-hati walaupun di dalam mimpi


Kisah Kasih Suami Pada Isteri

Pak Mat adalah seorang penduduk sebuah pondok di Selatan Thailand. Pada pertengahan bulan Mei yang lalu isterinya yang bernama Maznah telah meninggal dunia kerana diserang penyakit jantung.

Pak Mat yang berusia menjangkau empat puluhan telah diperhatikan oleh jiran-jirannya agak luar biasa iaitu beliau telah pergi ke kubur isterinya sebanyak tiga kali sehari. Pak Mat pergi pada waktu pagi, tengah hari dan petang untuk menyiram kubur isterinya lebih dari dua
minggu secara berterusan. Ada setengah dari jiran dan penduduk tempatan beranggapan Pak Mat begitu cintakan isterinya.

Seorang saudaranya yang terdekat telah berkata,
"Awak ni terlalu sangat cintakan isteri sehingga sanggup berbuat demikian, yang mana tak ada siapa lagi di kampung ini buat begitu." Pak Mat menjawab, "sebenarnya sebelum Maznah hendak menghembuskan nafas yang terakhirnya, beliau telah berpesan kepada saya, kalau hendak kahwin pun tunggulah sehingga rumput di kuburnya tumbuh dahulu."

"Oleh yang demikian saya terpaksa siram kuburnya supaya rumput cepat tumbuh......"


Kisah Pengemis dan Pelajar Universiti

Seorang mahasiswa sedang asyik berbicara dengan seorang pengemis tua di depan kampus UITM.

Mahasiswa : "Sudah lama mengemis di sini pakcik?"
Pengemis : "Ya... lebih kurang sudah 8 tahun , nak Mahasiswa : Wah, sudah lama juga ya pakcik..sehari biasanya dapat berapa pakcik?"
Pengemis : "Paling sedikit RM 50.00 nak ..."
Mahasiswa : Banyak juga ya pakcik
Pengemis : "Bolehlah nak, untuk keluarga..."
Mahasiswa : "Ehhhh...keluarga ada di mana?"
Pengemis : "Anak pakcik semuanya ada 3 orang, yang pertama ada di Universiti Putra Malaysia di Selangor, yang kedua ada di Universiti Utara Malaysia di Kedah dan yang ketiga di Universiti Sains Malaysia di Penang..."
Mahasiswa : "Subhanallah, hebat-hebat keluarga pakcik ni...boleh tahan juga yerrr.. Eh..Anak pakcik tu semuanya masih kuliah?"
Pengemis : "Tak arrrrrr....semuanya mengemis seperti pakcik..."

3 sekawan KURA,ULAT dan KATAK.

Pada suatu hari,KURA membuat satu parti secara kecil-kecilan.Dia mengajak ULAT dan KATAK datang ke rumahnya untuk menyambut HARI MERDEKA di rumahnya.Maka,datanglah ULAT dan KATAK berpesta habis-habisan di rumah KURA.Satu jam kemudian,KURA bertanya kepada KATAK.

KURA: "Hei,katak!Aku rasa ada sesuatu je yang takde lah."
KATAK: "...patutlah,rokok dah habis lah!"
KURA: "Betul lah,apa kata kau pergi kejap beli rokok kat kedai depan tu."
KATAK: "Ala... kaki aku sakit lah,dari tadi asyik melompat je.Kau suruh ulat lah pergi beli."
KURA: "Bagus jugak idea kau tu."
ULAT: "Aku malas lah nak pergi beli."
KURA: "Ala...kau tolong lah pergi beli kejap.Kau pun nak hisap rokok jugak kan.Aku dengan katak dah bersetuju nak suruh kau pergi beli.Boleh lah..."
ULAT: "Ok lah,aku pergi beli sekarang."

10 minit...30 minit...1 jam...berlalu,ULAT masih belum pulang lagi dari kedai.KURA dan KATAK berasa bimbang terhadap apa yang terjadi kepada ULAT.KURA dan KATAK kemudian keluar pergi mencari ULAT yang belum pulang lagi.Setibanya di pintu keluar,ULAT sudah pun berada di depan pintu.KURA pun berkata..

KURA: "Hah,itu pun kau.Mana kau pergi dari tadi lagi belum balik?"
KATAK: "Hei,kau tau tak,kau buatkan kita berasa risau je.....Mulut aku dah naik kering ni."
KURA: "Rokok yang aku suruh beli tu mana?"
ULAT: "Hek'eleh....Aku gerak pun belum lagi,tau!"
KATAK: "Habis,dari tadi sampai 1 jam kau buat apa?"
ULAT: "Kau nampak ni,dari tadi lagi aku BELUM HABIS lagi PAKAI KASUT !!!"